The 2008 Carolina Panthers Awards Show! (Part 1 of 2)

For my first entry of my web memoirs of Panthers material, I decided to do something big, and entertaining, instead of just starting off with a boring news article. Who will win the prestigious Quartz football? (ok it's only glass, but don't tell any of the nominees that)

These awards will be given out to Panthers personnel that have gone the extra mile, stood out like a sore thumb compared to the rest. These people make you think if you had 10 more of them, you could go to the superbowl and win some real trophies instead of following up a beautiful season with a pitiful postseason one-and-done blunder of epic disgustingness.

Some players are plain not qualified for these awards. Not because they can't play, but because they just have not gotten enough playing time. Of course some awards will highlight that very demographic, just to make them feel included and not isolated. So without further filler material, let's start the show.

The "Natural Born Thriller" Offensive Weapon of the Year Award. And the winner is......
STEVE SMITH, EVERYBODY!!! (applause) Smith was suspended for the first two games this season, yet accumulated 1461 yards from scrimmage, and ended up ranked in the top 3 in receiving. Steve, we know you are made of an alloy of nickel and titanium, you eat limestone for breakfast, and Chuck Norris ain't got shit on you. What do you have to say for your achievement?

Steve: I knew I was going to win anyway. No surprise.

Host: Steve, what do you have to say about fans of other teams who say there are better WRs out there in the NFL.

Steve: They need to type in steve smith+panthers+highlights on youtube.com, and learn a thing or two about a thing or two.

Host: What would you say to people like Terrell Owens, who think they are a better receiver than you?

Steve: I'll kick his ass.

Host: STEVE SMITH, EVERYBODY!!! (applause)

The next award is the "Built Like a Brick Shithouse" defensive player of the year award. (opens envelope...)
Jon "Killer Beas" Beason! Jon Beason is built using just the same metal components as Steve Smith, only he eats granite instead of limestone. He was one of the only highlights of a porous defense (well, I can't really blame the players when they're told to wait for someone to make a reception and then try to tackle him by Trgovac). He finished 3rd in total tackles in the entire league, and managed to even lead the team in interceptions despite being a linebacker. (crazy talk, right?)

Unfortunately, Jon couldn't be here today to accept this award. He's in British Columbia grinding villanous polar bears into a fine powder. So we will Fed Ex him the award. Hopefully it won't break while in shipping.

The "TWO HEADED MONSTER AWARD" goes to a pair of players who's production feeds off each other. And the winners are...
DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart!! Double Trouble, or as I like to call them, Bread and Butter, because everytime we needed them to survive during the playoff hunt, they were there to provide sustenance, in the form of touchdowns. (Jon and DeAng step up to the podium)

Host: Guys, you accounted for 30 rushing touchdowns, more than any running back pair in the league. What was behind your success.

DeAng: well, it was like, a friendly rivalry type thing. He got a touchdown running the ball, and then I knew I would have to get a TD, and the process would repeat.

Host: Any words for Lendale "OMG my thighs are chafing me" White?

Stewart: He sucks.

Host. Nice.

Up next is the "Ageless Wonder" award, for outstanding performance in the face of limitations, like being old. And the winner is...
Muhsin Muhammad!!! (audience: MOOOOOOOOOOOSSEEEE!!) Moose managed to produce over 900 receiving yards and 5 touchdowns despite being 35 years old, which, in football player years, equates to about 157, give or take a decimal. Moose, you certainly know something about keeping in shape after all these years, given the stats. What's your secret?

Moose: The fountain of youth is in my backyard. I dunk my head in it regularly. That's why I don't have crow's feet.

Host: Well you can really tell in your production as a receiver.

Up next is the "Lay The Wood Like A Lumberjack" recognizing defensive players for outstanding tackling, or as I like to call it, tenderizing your opponent like a mack truck. And the winner is...

Chris Harris! Harris regularly layed some of the most entertaining and hardest hits and knocked people around like one of those wrestling pillow buddys from the 80s (remember them?)
Host: Harris, where did you learn to hit as hard as you did?

Harris: Chi-Town, baby. Not here. Tim Lewis, Mike Trgo, they don't teach me to do any of that. They just demand me to not play the ball and stay behind the receiver so I can't defend the pass.

Host: Any other comments on the defensive coaches?

Harris: They make the Cornerbacks play like Safeties and the Safeties play like tackling dummies.

Host: Okay! Brief intermission, and then we will continue!