Panthers new DC: The Meeks Shall Inherit the Defense

The Panthers organization has just hired a new defensive coordinator. Mr. Ron Meeks everybody!!! Fuck yea!!! That means, on paper at least, TWO position coach upgrades. Want some insight into my math?

Rip Scherer>Mike McCoy
Ron Meeks>Mike Trgovac

Hopefully, this means the Panthers defense will now take on the identity of the successful Tampa 2. Cover 2 defenses utilize smaller, faster linebackers and the secondary to cover zones. BUT, it's not soft and fluffy snuggle bear Trgovac zone defense, it's an aggressive, gang tackling, hard hitting, zone defense. Which means, Fox, let this guy do his fucking thing and field top 5 defense, like he's done almost every year he was in Indianapolis.

When thinking about the players that I think will thrive in this defense, I automatically think of Beason. As a MLB, he will cover the middle of the field on passing plays. Can he do it? I mean he only led the team in fucking interceptions, so yea, I think he's got a shot. He's tough, fast, hard hitting. He's going to kick some fucking ass. Thomas Davis should also do well in a Tampa 2 style D. Other players? Well this suits Damione Lewis's mold of defensive tackle, not that I don't think that we should still get help at that position in the offseason.

The secondary as a whole can really benefit from this hiring. The safeties especially can be coached up by Meeks.

The best part about it? Nobody thought Meeks did a terrible job in Indy, he just left on his own accord after Dungy retired, so he never got fired. Maybe Meeks can help Fox find a solid staff of assistant position coaches.

Like I said before, stay tuned.

Panthers Defense vs Philly Defense: Talent in individuality vs talent in Unit

Serious break away from my usual humorous self here.

I got to thinking about how sometimes the best defenses are "no name" defenses, which basically means that most or all of the players are not immediately recognizable. None of them particularly stand out as a "playmaker" or a "ballhawk" or a "tackling machine". For the most part, defenses like these can only be run and coached by a very smart, seasoned, adept defensive coordinator. Dick LeBeau, Monte Kiffin, and Jim Johnson (Eagles) come to mind here. These systems are built to use players as a collective unit, instead of pretty much "featuring" defensive players. Maake Kemoeatu was brought in Carolina to play the interior line alongside Kris Jenkins. This move was made to free up Dan Morgan (MLB) to make plays, and did help Jon Beason accumulate some nice production when he was plugged in the middle.

John Fox has this "supposed" defensive genius moniker commonly applied to him. Why? Your best defensive coordinators can just plug in players and get the production out of them. Fox has not proven he could do that. He never achieved consistent top defense like these guys have, for the most part. Going down the line of current starters and players who do get significant snaps, from the order in which they were drafted by the Panthers if we did draft them:

Julius Peppers (2nd overall; 2002)
Thomas Davis (14th overall; 2005)
Jon Beason (25th overall; 2007)
Chris Gamble (28th overall; 2004)

Then on to 2nd rounders
Ken Lucas (top FA pickup; drafted 2nd round by Seahawks, 2002)
Richard Marshall (2nd round 2006)

First rounders drafted on other teams
Damione Lewis (Rams 2001)
Tyler Brayton (Raiders 2003)

Other notable cogs
Maake Kemoeatu
Na'il Diggs
Charles Godfrey
Chris Harris
Charles Johnson

From the looks of it, this defense, to me, is stacked with talent. And if we could get someone that can bring out the full potential from these guys, and make them produce as a unit, believe me, we could end up letting them all go to FA and bringing in later round draft picks to start like some of these teams are doing. To other people, however, they can find 3 or 4 pieces of this defense to improve. DE needs 2 additions, DT needs 4 additions, we need to get a new SLB, we need to drop Lucas and get Asomugha, etc, etc. WE could throw 80% of cap space towards the defense, and it still might not be as consistent or as good as some of the more consistent defenses out there.

Lets compare and contrast, shall we? I'll use the Eagles depth chart to compare starters with the Panthers'.

LE
Tyler Brayton (1st rd drft pck; Raiders)
Juqua Parker (Undrafted; Titans)

RE
Julius Peppers (2nd ovr pck)
Trent Cole (5th rd pick)

LDT
Maake Kemoeatu (undrafted; Ravens)
Mike Patterson (1st rd pck)

RDT
Damione Lewis (1st rd pck; Rams)
Brodrick Bunkley (1st rd pck)

Linebackers
Jon Beason (1st rd pck)
Thomas Davis (1st rd pck)
Na'il Diggs (4th rd pck; Packers)

Stewart Bradley (rd 3 pck)
Akeem Jordan (undrafted)
Chris Gocong (rd 3 pck)

Secondary
Ken Lucas (2nd rd pck; Seahawks)
Chris Gamble (1st rd pck)
Chris Harris (6th rd pck; Bears)
Charles Godfrey (3rd rd pck)

Asante Samuel (4th rd pck; Pats)
Sheldon Brown (2nd rd pck)
Quintin Mikell (undrafted)
Brian Dawkins (2nd rd pck)

Carolina signs more high profile free agents, spend higher picks and more money on their defense, but they can't develop talent nearly as well as Philadelphia does, while it can be argued that Carolina invests in raw talent, it certainly didn't pay off this season when they finished 18th overall and Philly finished 3rd. Compare Beason to any Eagles LBer and he looks like a world beater. Julius Peppers gets to the QB way more often than Trent Cole. Individual comparisons would suggest that the Panthers have the more productive talent and more return in investment, but as a unit, they fail. In spite of the interceptions, the sacks, the high tackle totals, they give up a lot of yards, because it's the system they're in. Philly runs a system that works. Philly gets way more value than we do, and they spend more cash on the offense, look at all the 1st day picks they've dedicated there.

And then people think that criticism of Fox isn't justified, criticism of Trgovac isn't justified. Yet the call these guys "defensive geniuses". Well if they are such geniuses why do they need people that can walk on water, hurdle over high fences, and have the ability to roam and cover large areas to field top defense? A real defensive genius is one that can manipulate and craft gameplans to make even no name players produce.

And people wonder why I suggest McDermott as an option for defensive coordinator everytime I get the chance. Hell I'll even take a linebackers coach from there.

When you have a system where players make plays as a unit, you'll likely get more satisfaction and more return than "read and react" that relies on the athleticism and fitness of our players to compensate for the fact that they may not be put in the best position to minimize yardage gains on the defense. Lucas has been in the league for 8 years and he's getting old, according to Panther fans. Well what's slowing Dawkins down? He's been in the league for much longer and he is still making plays.

Carolina's only way of fielding top defense is for Fox to get a guy that can craft dominant gameplans and leave the defense to him, and McDermott's not the only one out there. NOT blowing your entire first day on a defensive end that will probably get decent stats but never improve the defense as a UNIT while hiring an incompetent coordinator to just say "ok just drop back in zone on passing downs and read and react". You'll never be consistent, and you'll always get burned badly every other game.

Panthers D Line: Completely Depleted

PFT and other football news outlets reported that starting DT Damione Lewis underwent surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff. Lewis injured that shoulder in the Panthers/Giants game, which pretty much completely drained both teams of any momentum for the rest of the season because after that game the Giants lost against Minnesota and Philly, even with a first round bye, and the Panthers followed up a near defensive collapse that was averted by the Superman, Steve Smith, at the last minute, by getting the shit absolutely kicked out of them by Arizona in the divisionals.

This is just the latest of many developments that have been deteriorating the once mighty Panthers defensive line that made every other QB shit their pants in the pocket. For those of you that haven't been keeping score, well:

Brentson Buckner got old and retired after 05, he now gets his digs in at Panthers players and the coaching staff on a radio show. Mike Rucker retired last season, after only deteriorating to the point of unusability. His last decent year was 2005. Kris Jenkins took his fat, lazy, hypocritic, and ungrateful ass up near where I live in NJ with the Jets (and I don't give a shit if they're called "NY". They don't play there, and they don't even practice there anymore) and left the caring appreciative organization that stood by him when he was having personal problems and didn't say "sorry, FUCK you, we're releasing you" like 31 other teams would've after his second straight injury. And Peppers, one of my favorite players, lastly, wants a change of scenery and to explore other defensive sets on another team. So basically, that 2003 line that dominated all the way to the superbowl? Gone.

Ok, Damione wasn't 2003 Kris Jenkins to start with, but at least this provided something to build on as far as building the defensive line back up. So it sucks that he's going to miss at least the offseason workouts, mini-camp, and probably part of training camp. Which brings me to my next subject:

REBUILDING THE DEFENSIVE LINE

I guess well, we can start with not acquiring fucking smug locker room prima donnas to plug in. So anybody that has near the personality of a Buckner or Jenkins is out of the question. Seriously these two shit out more drama than a fucking episode of the Rock of Love Bus. AND I guess while we're at it getting overrated overpaid DLs who take plays off and don't know how to be a leader is out of the question also, because we've tried that already. So basically what I'm saying is everybody needs to be like, 2002-2003 Mike Rucker.

Shining personality, leadership skills, PRODUCTION, value, all good traits of a defensive lineman. All good traits of a football player, period. More people that are like the Ruckster here are what we need.

But they don't make em quite like the Ruckster, brother. So while we're at it let's settle for a Rocky Bernard...
....and a side of Chris Canty.

They're not perfect, but they'll get the job done, and they're both solid players. Canty is on the Cowboys currently and he's a sportsman, and if you can be a sportsman there, you can be one anyfuckingwhere, because on the Cowboys team, it's like there are 50 Kris Jenkinses. Bernard got arrested last year but he's not a frequent offender like some other guys can be.

Lets hope the Panthers can recoup their losses, and get more value out of their acquisitions, because if you haven't noticed, we kind of suck at playing the game of free agency.

4-3 vs. 3-4: Current Hot Topic Snafu Among Panthers Fans

The carolinahuddle panthers forum page has been almost completely in uniform discussion between staying with the base 4-3 defense John Fox has run since he got here and switching to a 3-4 base defense recently, which has been quite a popular concept.

Now I must admit, if I was head coach of a team, I would prefer instituting a 3-4 defense. After all, it creates more flexibility as far as linebacking goes. The linebackers are bigger and if you have a good core of them they will wreak havoc on opposing offenses. 3-4 OLBs are smaller than 4-3 DEs but their ability to edge rush and use technique instead of straight pure bull-rushing offsets that size deficiency. Some of the best linebackers in the NFL have played in 3-4 defenses, particularly Lawrence Taylor, who was so dominant the Redskins created an offensive position called H-Back to counter his presence. 3-4 defenses are usually always aggressive, and often have at least one rangy, quick and smart safety to use his abilities as much as you want. Ed Reed, Troy Polamalu, and Roy Williams are some examples.

So yea, I could see why this is a sexy subject, ...but there's absolutely no chance in fucking hell it happens as long as John Fox head coaches this team. As much as I love it it's not the best decision to make. Transitioning between one base formation to another is often a painstaking process of a learning curve, acquiring prototypical 3-4 players, and a few other things. Who the fuck wants to go through all that, especially when Delhomme's window to over throw his way to a Superbowl is closing each and every minute he gets older, and no clear cut heir apparent to take the reigns?

The Panthers 4-3, as it is now, all players included, is fine the way it is, talent-wise. They just need a defensive coordinator that knows how to make a fucking adjustment and doesn't play piss-poor scaredy cat bend-but-don't break schemes. Switch to a 3-4, and here's your starting lineup, according to the personnel I think, futile as it may be putting them there, would nonetheless be the best fit for them.

NT-Kemoeatu-Ok Kemo has played NT before in Baltimore, but he wasn't the best one at the job. Haloti Ngata took over those duties from him and has done an outstanding job when you compare the two. So why would we plug in a previous NT castaway from a 3-4 at NT? It doesn't make sense. Kemo would be serviceable but not like he would be next to a real DT instead of a situational pass rusher (Lewis) next to him.

DEs-Damione Lewis and Tyler Brayton-Both have had experience at DT so it makes sense that's where you would plug them in, because they fit the mold of a 3-4 DE. They are about 300lbs each, they don't really get any sacks, and nobody really hears from them as much as the other players.

So the defensive line would look pretty good to start with, of course you could make some improvements as you go along, but whatever.

Now on to linebacking, where it just gets fucking goofy.

ILBs-Jon Beason and Thomas Davis-I don't have more confidence in anybody more than Beason to make a seamless transition to a 3-4. This guy was just made to be a middle linebacker, period, 3-4 or 4-3. In my opinion, Thomas Davis should be kicked in to ILB as well, immediately.

There were some people suggesting Dan Conner fill in ILB and Davis stay outside. This doesn't make any fucking sense at all. Thomas Davis came into the league as a fucking safety for pete's sake, now we expect him to be a large 3-4 outside linebacker that has to take on blocking offensive linemen way more often than he is now at 4-3 WLB? Davis will most likely have to bulk up, being only 240 lbs, he will have to gain at least 15 to 20 to get the advantageous size of a 3-4 outside 'backer. Yea, good luck with that, he'll look like a fat fucking mess on the field at 6'0'', 260lbs. I think he's filled out his frame to the max.

On the outside, pretty much a crucial part of an effective 3-4, well, we just have no ideal fucking personnel right now. Hilee Taylor is a late round draft pick and has been discussed to like, become a 3-4 backer and get 100 tackles a year. Guys, I'm just glad when he sacks a fucking QB once every 6 games. I'm not expecting him to turn into fucking Adalius Thomas overnight. I also heard Charles Johnson suggested as a possible OLB. ...yea. Good luck. How do we expect CJ to cover a fucking zone if he needed to, he's got no speed to cover large distances like some of these big speedy 3-4 backers do. The guy's best niche is at 4-3 DE. Peppers was discussed as an automatic shoe-in for OLB but you know he's leaving so that's pretty much moot.

So, in short, we will have to rely on 3 down linemen to occupy 5 offensive linemen automatically. Kemo, Lewis, Brayton, these are people who can barely beat one-one-one matchups themselves, especially the latter two. Despite solid personnel for ILB, on the outside, we have a player best suited for 4-3 DE ONLY, and a player with no true position. Cornerbacks are pretty much an afterthought, it doesn't really affect them, and it doesn't really affect safeties, as long as you've got a solid core to start.

We, ...don't really have one to start. Chris Harris is decent as a run defender but he's no Polamalu in pass coverage. Plus his range is not nearly as good as Troy's. And Charles Godfrey is a cornerback-turned safety rookie. So I don't think we can rely on him to be Ed Reed quickly enough.

So basically, our decisions boil down to this. Keep the 4-3, sign a DT and acquire a DE somewhere, and get a coordinator that can bring out the potential in these guys, OR, we could, switch to the 3-4, get a 3-4 coordinator, release Lewis, release Diggs, release Lucas cause we're going to need the cap space, sign Terrell Suggs, hope we can trade Peppers for a top 3 pick so we can get Aaron Curry, sign Chris Canty, acquire Dawan Landry from Baltimore as a FS, and wait 2-3 years for the results to come in.

Yea, I don't think Fox is going to do that, and I may critique him often, but he'll make the smart decision and stick with the base defense he has now.

Charles Chandler's best suggestion: ...Jim Haslett?

I like reading charlotte.com's "inside the panthers" blog. And when I mean "I like reading" I'm saying every time I read a piece off of that blog I feel like ripping the laptop from it's wire and chucking it into the street outside so I can watch a Fed Ex truck run right the fuck over it. In our latest installment, Charles Chandler proves to the world he knows nothing about football by immediately suggesting Jim Haslett as the defensive coordinator, mere hours after the news reached the AP that Mike Turdyvac had flushed himself.

My opinion of Haslett:
Jim Haslett is not fresh. He's not new. He isn't young, he doesn't have an innovative defensive mind, and he's not going to be any improvement over Trgovac. Why don't we use the chance we have now to find someone who can really make a difference for this defense rather than go for the "quick fix" just to shore up the position so we don't have to worry about it. That's stupid. Ok Charles, you ready to play a game? It's called guess what the numbers mean....
I kyped this from the New York lottery. They got new machines, they don't need it anyway. So lets check what numbers come out. Lets see... we've got a....28....21....23...14...32...18...27...16...8...11...12...6...13. That's it. Want to know what they all mean? Those are actually stats in overall defense for the teams Jim Haslett has either been a 1)Head coach, or 2)Defensive coordinator for. These numbers are just fucking terrible. And you're suggesting hiring this guy? Why? Because he's unemployed so it makes you feel bad? Try being a full-time college student who's struggling just to buy fucking textbooks and who works 20 hours a week and makes less than $200 chasing a shitty hourly wage. And compound paying for a college education with also paying your own health insurance. I don't got a lot of time to feel sorry for coordinators who make fucking 6 figure incomes doing a job they absolutely love.

Guess who else is unemployed, Mr. Ron Meeks. He's just had 2 solid defensive seasons in Indy. Wait, I'm not finished there's more. There's also my pick of the litter, Sean McDermott, out of Philly, an assistant coach just ripe for the pickins and waiting to take a promotion elsewhere. You remember the last Philly assistant who got a promotion elsewhere? Yea, he just beat out Jim Haslett for the head coaching job in St. Louis.

You know who else beat out Jim Haslett? Dom fucking Capers. Yea. The Packers would rather take their chances with that idiot as their DC than Haslett.

The Panthers don't need old trends at DC who don't have any new ideas. They need an aggressive defense, and Philly runs the best aggressive 4-3 formation in my honest opinion. Lets take a page from someone's book who's actually done well for themselves lately.

BREAKING NEWS: Trgovac gone, Lewis leaves for Seattle.

In one week and a half after the meltdown against Arizona in the divisional game, Panthers defensive coaches embarked on a mass exodus of Charlotte. It looked something like this:

This is both good news and bad news. The good news, well, let's start with Trgovac leaving.

Trgovac never took the D to it's full potential and had more than enough talent. One by one, most or all of them had good stats when you single them out, but they didn't mesh as a unit. When Fox and Hurney didn't give a shit about improving anything coaching-wise in the offseason, and actually offered a two year extension on Trgovac's contract (yea, what Panther fan could live through that?) it was Trgovac who declined and wishes to explore different opportunities. ...Yea, good luck with that Mikey, I'm sure there's a strong market in the NFL for half-witted defensive minded cretins with a propensity to shift his unit into cruise control when the team has a 3 point lead. You won't be missed.

Now for some partly bad news, is that even the better position coaches left the team. Ken Flajole, linebackers coach, directly worked with linebackers Will Witherspoon, Mark Fields, Thomas Davis, Jon Beason, and always seemed to field at least an above average core of linebackers, even when Dan Morgan went out with the annual injury. People like Chris Draft even had 100 tackle seasons.

Sal Sunseri was another one of the better position coaches in the league. His D-Line unit was one of the most dominant from 2002-2005. I always had a high opinion of him.

The other guys, Lewis, and on the offensive side of the ball, Mike McCoy, I was never too keen on. Chris Gamble was the only player to improve under Tim Lewis, who spent a few years with the Giants dealing with fans disgruntled with his soft zone coverage. I'm actually glad he left for Seattle even more so John Fox couldn't promote him to D-Coordinator, a likely move had he stayed, since the last time a defensive coordinator left Fox promoted that imbecile Trgovac.

And Mike McCoy, well, he didn't do shit to make QB play better. Even Delhomme makes the same dumb mistakes he did 5 years ago. There's been no improvement. Rip Scherer is a real upgrade.

My only hope now is that John Fox has the balls to go and get a staff who's formula works. Sean McDermott tops my list of potential acquisitions. Considering Steve Spagnuolo was only a position coach when he came from the Eagles to go to the Giants and notched them 20 spots up in total defense the next year, he can be even better for us, since McDermott's had tremendous success as a secondary coach and linebackers coach in Philly. He's even been an assistant head coach, and is only being held back because Jim Johnson's the defensive coordinator.

Stay tuned for more developments.

The 2008 Carolina Panthers Awards Show! (Part 2 of 2)

(Ed's Note: If you haven't read part one yet, please scroll down and read that one first, then come back to this one.)

...and now for the continuation of our awards ceremony!!!!

(Oh btw shouldn't this be 2009 awards show since it is after all the correct year we're on? N/M.)

Next award up for nomination is the Bill Parcells honor "Coach of the year" award for the Panthers.
All head coaches, coordinators, and assistants were eligible. Even Trgovac. And the winner goes to...
Running Backs Coach/Assistant Head Coach Jim Skipper!!! Jim Skipper taught DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart how to stiff arm and run with power to complement their speed and vision. They say the Panthers' offense is the "3 yards and a cloud of dust" kind of running game, but defenses knew it more as "8 yards and a sore shoulder in the morning" running game. DeAngelo ran for a Panthers record 1,515 rushing yards and Jonathan Stewart had just about as many yards as a rookie than DeShaun Foster had as a starter, all while splitting time with the dominant Williams.

Up Next is our Super Slam "Roadgrader of the year" award for linemen. And the winner is...
Jeff Otah. Jeff Otah, despite being a rookie, mauled defensive linemen, some of them seasoned, solid vets. His raw power and stamina will only grow with experience and learning technique in the future. He may be a future pro bowler. Who knows, but what's good to know is he had one of the best rookie seasons for linemen in the 2008 NFL draft, especially for someone people questioned compared to guys like Clady, Branden Albert, Jake Long, and others. A lot of people questioned his technique and experience to succeed at the pro level, and he overcame the odds and silenced the naysayers. There may be an Otah jersey in my future.

Host: Jeff, please tell us how you learned to drive people 5 yards behind the LOS at the point of attack.

Jeff: I practiced by shoving 200lb guys into lockers in high school.

Host: Wow, did they fit?

Jeff: They fit when it was me pushing them in.

Host: That's pure power right there.

And now for the Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger "Give Me A Shot Coach!" buried player of the year award!!!!

The winner is...Dwayne Jarrett (ed's note: I couldn't find a pic of him on the field as a Panther because he never gets to play)

Host: Dwayne, its apparent that the coaches don't give you a chance. DJ Hackett didn't do anything as a receiver and they kept him active until late in the season, and the fact that Jake only sees two players on the field, Smitty and Moose, and will force it in triple coverage to get it to those guys before he sees you wide open in the middle of the field did not help you produce much at all.

Dwayne: Yea it's frustrating. People have already labeled me a bust and it's not fair. Of course with my route running i can get open, but I also need the QB to throw the ball to me too.

Host: Well in any event you've earned yourself a glass football award.

Up next is the "Flash in the Pan" award, given to a player who has just one good game and disappears the rest of the season. And the award goes to...

Dante Rosario penned in a near 100 yard receiving performance against San Diego in the regular season opener. He was the best TE on the field that day, and that's saying something, considering Antonio Gates was lining up when the SD offense was on the field. Perhaps the most important reception, though, was the one that WON THE FRIGGING GAME (^see above^). That put Rosario on the map and that play was highlighted as one of the top ten in the entire league for week one. Then he got bored or something and we never saw any of that again, which is a shame because I really thought we finally had a good tight end, the best since Wesley Walls. Oh well, looks like we're gonna be looking at Owen Daniels or LJ Smith in the offseason.

Oh, and Dante couldn't be here tonight. Nobody's seen him since he caught that game winning ball in week one. Charlotte area sports writers have speculated that he crawled into a cave after the game, frightened by an angry mob of Chargers fans. Urban legend has it that he spends his days now as a drifter, trying to earn enough money to buy a flat in SoHo by cleaning peoples' windows at stoplights with a squeegee and windex, making a dime a windshield, on average. STILL another source told me he took to a life in the sea and works as a Pirate in Southeast Asia. Whatever fate he has met, we will store this glass football for him in a designated area, and once he resurfaces, deliver it to him.

And finally, the last award, the surprise player "Jack in the Box" award for production despite being unknown previous to this year. And the award goes to....


CHARLES JOHNSON! Charles, pictured above as 95, was second on the team in sacks, which was pretty good considering the leading sacker was Julius Peppers, and he had to split time with Tyler Brayton, someone who's pass rushing abilities are not his MO.

Host: Charles, what can we expect from you in the future?

Charles: More of the same, but definitely more in the future.

Host: With Peppers gone you are the brightest star as a defensive lineman, and it's only your second year. How will you handle your newfound status?

Charles: I will take the ball, and run with it, back into the offense's own endzone of course!

Host: That's the spirit!


Well that does it for the 2008 Panthers award show. Thanks again for reading.

The 2008 Carolina Panthers Awards Show! (Part 1 of 2)

For my first entry of my web memoirs of Panthers material, I decided to do something big, and entertaining, instead of just starting off with a boring news article. Who will win the prestigious Quartz football? (ok it's only glass, but don't tell any of the nominees that)

These awards will be given out to Panthers personnel that have gone the extra mile, stood out like a sore thumb compared to the rest. These people make you think if you had 10 more of them, you could go to the superbowl and win some real trophies instead of following up a beautiful season with a pitiful postseason one-and-done blunder of epic disgustingness.

Some players are plain not qualified for these awards. Not because they can't play, but because they just have not gotten enough playing time. Of course some awards will highlight that very demographic, just to make them feel included and not isolated. So without further filler material, let's start the show.

The "Natural Born Thriller" Offensive Weapon of the Year Award. And the winner is......
STEVE SMITH, EVERYBODY!!! (applause) Smith was suspended for the first two games this season, yet accumulated 1461 yards from scrimmage, and ended up ranked in the top 3 in receiving. Steve, we know you are made of an alloy of nickel and titanium, you eat limestone for breakfast, and Chuck Norris ain't got shit on you. What do you have to say for your achievement?

Steve: I knew I was going to win anyway. No surprise.

Host: Steve, what do you have to say about fans of other teams who say there are better WRs out there in the NFL.

Steve: They need to type in steve smith+panthers+highlights on youtube.com, and learn a thing or two about a thing or two.

Host: What would you say to people like Terrell Owens, who think they are a better receiver than you?

Steve: I'll kick his ass.

Host: STEVE SMITH, EVERYBODY!!! (applause)

The next award is the "Built Like a Brick Shithouse" defensive player of the year award. (opens envelope...)
Jon "Killer Beas" Beason! Jon Beason is built using just the same metal components as Steve Smith, only he eats granite instead of limestone. He was one of the only highlights of a porous defense (well, I can't really blame the players when they're told to wait for someone to make a reception and then try to tackle him by Trgovac). He finished 3rd in total tackles in the entire league, and managed to even lead the team in interceptions despite being a linebacker. (crazy talk, right?)

Unfortunately, Jon couldn't be here today to accept this award. He's in British Columbia grinding villanous polar bears into a fine powder. So we will Fed Ex him the award. Hopefully it won't break while in shipping.

The "TWO HEADED MONSTER AWARD" goes to a pair of players who's production feeds off each other. And the winners are...
DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart!! Double Trouble, or as I like to call them, Bread and Butter, because everytime we needed them to survive during the playoff hunt, they were there to provide sustenance, in the form of touchdowns. (Jon and DeAng step up to the podium)

Host: Guys, you accounted for 30 rushing touchdowns, more than any running back pair in the league. What was behind your success.

DeAng: well, it was like, a friendly rivalry type thing. He got a touchdown running the ball, and then I knew I would have to get a TD, and the process would repeat.

Host: Any words for Lendale "OMG my thighs are chafing me" White?

Stewart: He sucks.

Host. Nice.

Up next is the "Ageless Wonder" award, for outstanding performance in the face of limitations, like being old. And the winner is...
Muhsin Muhammad!!! (audience: MOOOOOOOOOOOSSEEEE!!) Moose managed to produce over 900 receiving yards and 5 touchdowns despite being 35 years old, which, in football player years, equates to about 157, give or take a decimal. Moose, you certainly know something about keeping in shape after all these years, given the stats. What's your secret?

Moose: The fountain of youth is in my backyard. I dunk my head in it regularly. That's why I don't have crow's feet.

Host: Well you can really tell in your production as a receiver.

Up next is the "Lay The Wood Like A Lumberjack" recognizing defensive players for outstanding tackling, or as I like to call it, tenderizing your opponent like a mack truck. And the winner is...

Chris Harris! Harris regularly layed some of the most entertaining and hardest hits and knocked people around like one of those wrestling pillow buddys from the 80s (remember them?)
Host: Harris, where did you learn to hit as hard as you did?

Harris: Chi-Town, baby. Not here. Tim Lewis, Mike Trgo, they don't teach me to do any of that. They just demand me to not play the ball and stay behind the receiver so I can't defend the pass.

Host: Any other comments on the defensive coaches?

Harris: They make the Cornerbacks play like Safeties and the Safeties play like tackling dummies.

Host: Okay! Brief intermission, and then we will continue!